I suppose this blog may be getting pretty boring because the main event of my day today was sleeping! Good for me, bad for the enthralled reader I woke up with a dull headache, which I’ve had for a couple of days now. I’m not allowed to take Tylenol because it could mask a fever, so my choices for headache relief are Oxycodone, Morphine or Dilaudid! Knowing that all three make me sick and/or knock me out, I decided to try a tiny dose of the oxy and within 5 minutes I was puking. They then spent the next hour giving me three doses of Ativan to try to stop the nausea. In between all of this, my poor friend Kelli came to visit. It was great to see her and she brought me some wonderful goodies. Unfortunately she got the honor of the being the first person to get to be here while I’m puking! After she left, they gave me that lovely ant-nauseau medication that they gave me last week that knocked me out cold until 4:30 in the afternoon. My dad was also here somewhere in the midst of all of that, but it’s honestly a bit of a blur.

Regardless, I woke up well rested and felt much better. I was able to eat the hospital version of fish for dinner and a couple of bowls a really yummy granola. Then my brother and Steph came to visit for a while.

My white count is down to 0.2 and expected to hang out there for a couple of days. They’re very pleased that my other counts remain normal, except for my platelets, which have dropped but only to the 50s. While I was doing the clinical trial, my platelets were often in the 50-70 range, so having them there is pretty impressive given that they just went through chemo. We’re hoping I’ll squeak by without needed too many (or any at all) transfusions. Anyone following along for this whole thing will recall how little my body likes platelet transfusions! If they hover where they are now and then go up, that would be wonderful.

Mentally, I’m letting myself think a little bit more about Christmas. I’ve avoided it because I didn’t want to end up being disappointed. I think I’ve also envisioned myself going home weak and weary, but I don’t think that’s going to be the case. Right now, I’m still running a little on the treadmill and feel fairly normal most of the time. Making it through this low point and feeling good should yield good things for the days ahead. Right now the mask doesn’t even bother me that much. Of course if my hair falls out, my attitude could take a major turn – so let’s hope that doesn’t happen!!!

And lastly, a big thank you for the laughs a few of you sent today. Robyn, I can envision the rotting avocados; Melly, love the jokes, especially Zack and Alex’s; and Fran, I can’t get enough of the nerd humor! Love you guys.

I had a pretty quiet, almost relaxing day today. My white count is close to the bottom and the doctor informed me that it may not completely bottom out, or if it does it may not be for very long. Because I had low-dose chemo, there will probably be overlap between the old cells leaving and the new cells starting to grow. So the “bottom” period that I have experienced in the past may go more quickly and smoothly (let’s hope!). He said that I didn’t need to sit around waiting for something bad to happen – that they expect things to go smoothly but are here to monitor any issues. He also said that many hospitals do this as an out-patient procedure. I was shocked by that. But my friend Sheryl came to visit today and she confirmed that that is how they do things at Hopkins. Sheryl and I met through the cancer center. We are both young moms going through a very similar experience so we can relate in a way that so few can. It was great to see her and I can’t wait until she and I can spend more time together on the “outside” than we do on the inside of this place!

My head seems to be improving a little. I suppose my body is adjusting to the medications. My heart rate is way up, but not dangerously so. It’s just ironic considering that a few days ago they were monitoring me constantly because my heart rate was so low. Also going the opposite direction is my weight. The fluids are gone and my stomach “function” is returning to normal. I’m desperately hoping to avoid any gory details in that department. My mouth is a little sore, which is also normal for the low counts. You can develop mouth sores because your salivary glands don’t work as well until the counts start to come back up. I’ve managed to avoid most of that in the past, although I know of people that couldn’t eat for days at a time because they ended up with such a bad case of this.

Talking with the doctor this morning helped a lot as far as I’ve been feeling. I’ve been trying to meditate my way out of any side effects, which is my attempt to control the somewhat uncontrollable. It sounds like I can relax a little.

I’m not going to write much tonight. I’m dealing with a lot of fatigue and low energy today. I feel like curling into a ball and sleeping for the next few days. This is where things could get tricky and I’m focusing on the goal and not the day to day challenges. Rest is what my body needs right now and I am going to embrace that rather than fight it. Our bodies heal when we rest and I am all in favor of healing.

I actually got to read a little bit today as well as making a terrible 2-hour attempt at completing an origami project. Gigi was kind enough to bring me this beautiful origami kit to work on and I am a complete disaster! Apparently, my design skills do not extend to paper folding. I was just trying to create an animal for each of the kids that Brian could take to them but I could not seem to make it happen. They are receiving postcards instead.

I did get to spend some time with Brian and my dad today as well. Thank you to Meagan and Holly for watching the boys this weekend so that Brian could get out and so that I could see him. We both truly appreciate it. I don’t get to see Brian very often and it’s almost a good thing because I’m so sad when he leaves. I’ll obviously be a wreck when I finally get to see the kids.

I broke away from Food Network to watch the Raven’s game today. Go Ravens!!! But tonight will most likely drift off to Diners, Drive Ins and Dives.

Oh, and the marshmallow days are over. I was back to normal this morning, though I’m incredibly pale and washed out looking. I suppose that would be expected for someone in my situation. I’m just really looking forward to feeling better again … hopefully soon.

The new definition of torture is watching Food Network all day during the holidays while living in a diet-restricted hospital room. I know I should stop, but I can’t help myself. On top of that all of the magazines I am reading are filled with full-color photos of healthy, beautiful foods. The dietician came to check on me this morning and see if I was finding stuff to eat. I kindly explained that it wasn’t the easiest thing for me. She did say that it was okay for me to eat fresh fruits and vegetables prepared by the kitchen because they would be sure to wash them carefully. So starting tomorrow, I will be adding some iceberg lettuce salads to repertoire. I actually felt bad because the dietician clearly was disappointed in the offerings that she has. She admitted that the vegetables have almost no nutritional value because they are cooked to mush. I swear that it will be part of my mission (when I am finished with all of this) to come back and change the way meals are prepared in the hospital.

Moving on from food, today was an okay day. I am still dealing with some nausea issues and made the mistake of taking the same medication I took a few days ago (before radiation) that completely wiped me out. It took the nauseau away, but I could hardly move for a good part of the day. They’re also adjusting all of my medication levels and I still feel very “off.” My head feels spacey, my vision seems a little blurry, some headaches, etc. I’m getting through but I’m finding it hard to concentrate when I read so I end up watching more Food Network. I thought I was going to read so many books while I was here and I haven’t even cracked the first one yet.

The good news is that my counts finally took a big drop today so I’m hoping that I will be bottoming out soon. My nurses all seem very optimistic that I could make it home by Christmas. But no one wants to set me up for disappointment so we’re just taking things day by day. In my heart I feel like it could happen.

I had another great visit with Roseann tonight and a big surprise visit from Amanda. Everyone wants to see me looking like a marshmallow! Unfortunately for them, I’m starting to deflate a little (but yeah for me!).

Okay, so Melly said she loves my lists so I thought I would make a point of writing one every couple of days. Here’s the one for today:

Food I Am Craving …

1. Pizza

2. Sushi

3. Chickpea Salad

4. Guacamole

5. Salmon

6. Ravioli

7. Spinach salad with goat cheese, apples and walnuts

8. Cheesecake

9. Cheese

10. More cheese!

I am having such a hard time with this internet access! It is making it so hard to talk to the kids over Skype. I keep cutting off or I can’t hear them. I can tell they’re just as frustrated as I am. I know they love me and miss me and it’s only been a week, but I’m already having those feelings I had before about them not caring as much about me being gone if I’m gone for too long. I know it’s ridiculous and I’m just venting out of frustration.

I’m also not feeling 100%, as would be expected. They are cutting down the dose of two of my medications to see if it helps. I have that jittery feeling you get when you drink too much coffee. I think I’m also dealing with some anxiety. And, on top of it all, I’m up 11 pounds in fluid! They finally cut off the fluids this morning so I’m hoping some of that will go away in the next couple of days. It’s not so much a vanity thing, but I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I am so swollen. It’s also uncomfortable and I can feel the difference in my body weight when I’m trying to exercise. It just feels like I have a lot more to move around. And no, I’m not posting any pictures, although several of you have asked to see how I look as a giant marshmallow!

I had a great surprise visit from Kim from Ulman Fund today. She is one of my running partners and helped me get ready for Iron Girl in August. She is also an incredible inspiration to me and I couldn’t be more grateful that Ulman connected us.

Other than that, I am listening to a really fascinating book about the mind-body connection and healing from within. It is written by two well-renowned doctors who have researched at length the way that our cells function and how things like stress can cause changes to them. Interestingly enough, they speak at length about immune cells and how research has shown how similar those cells are to brain cells. They site a number of interesting studies in which guided visualization has been used to help alleviate side effects of chemo therapy, pain, anxiety, etc. They also discuss the vast differences between Eastern and Western medicine and how our system is beginning to incorporate more holistic approaches to care as a compliment to traditional medicine because the evidence is there that it works. Fortunately I have plenty of time to meditate, so I will be doing a lot of that over the next few weeks.

Okay, off to get some rest.