The Funniest Thing …
June1
Tell me about the funniest thing you ever read, watched, heard. Give me your best knock-knock joke. Just make me laugh.
—————————–
The BP Oil Spill
“The Funniest Thing …”
- February 2013
- December 2012
- November 2012
- September 2012
- August 2012
- July 2012
- June 2012
- May 2012
- April 2012
- March 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- December 2010
- November 2010
- October 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
I was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia at the end of May. On June 1, 2010 I began chemo. This is my blog, my digital diary of my experience with cancer at 34. More importantly, it is a record of the power of the mind and the power of love and friendship and – it will show – that with these things you can overcome anything.
JOKE:
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,
Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied. ‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very Professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. ‘You don’t have any milk.’
I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.’
So a man goes to his psychologist to discuss these weird dreams he has been having.
” Doc I had a dream 2 nights ago that I was a tee-pee and then last night I had a dream that I was a wig-wam”
“well”said the doctor “that is the easiest diagnosis I have had all week”…”your two tents!”
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAt until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”
After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!”
OK, My husband’s cousin posts some crazy, funny jokes on facebook all the time, so I will be sure to repost them here to make you laugh. Here’s a few to get started:
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home,who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s very, very important that these four women
DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER
___________________________________________________
LOST IN TRANSLATION
I was at my bank today, there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, “Why it change?
Yesterday, I get Two Hunat Dolla fo Yen. Today I only get Hunat Eighty? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady said, “Fluc you white people too”.
___________________________________________________
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
” Marion … Marion ”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?”
“No………..I’m a rabbit in Arizona”
___________________________________________________
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They watched until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son……………
“Go get your mother.”
___________________________________________________
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited…
A blonde woman was on a flight to Seattle, saw an open seat in first class and decided to help herself. A flight attendant watched her do this, and went to tell her to return to her seat.
“Ma’am, I need to ask you to return to your seat in business class.”
“But nobody is sitting here. I’m going to Seattle, and that’s that.”
“Ma’am, you didn’t pay for this seat, I need you to return to business class.”
“Lady like I said, I’m going to Seattle, I like THIS seat, I don’t want to move.”
The flight attendant then went to the Captain and told him of the blonde in first class. The Captain said, “My wife is blonde, I’ll handle this.” The Captain went to the blonde and said “Ma’am, I know you like this seat better, but first class is not going to Seattle like business class.”
The blonde apologized and went back to her seat.
Not a joke, but here’s how to keep it classy in any location:
“Good evening gentleman/ladies.
* Get out your drink of choice.
* open 3 tabs on your favorite browser.
* On the first tab: http://www.rainymood.com/
* On another tab: http://www.endlessyoutube.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k
* On the last: http://www.endlessyoutube.com/watch?v=omDbvPOJgaQ
For extra class make the last one fullscreen 1080p”
My all time favorite joke:
A blind man walks into Target, picks up his seeing eye dog by the tail and swings him around over his head. People are running up to him saying “what are you doing”. His reponse” I am just looking around”……he he
LADY’S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.
“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.
It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 6,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 2″
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch.
Sammy Davis Jr. nuff said
I don’t really have any good cancer jokes, so I will, instead, provide pictures of things I think are awesome. Here are two:
http://pageslap.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/wilford-brimley-jjpg.jpg
http://www.buzzfeed.com/donnad/there-can-be-only-one-bif
The obvious answer to the Gulf oil spill: http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2010/6/4/
Love it Steph! I’ve playing a lot of Tetris, that was perfect, thanks!
Q: Why was the Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt afraid to race bigfoot?
A: Because he was afraid of dafeet, mon!
What do you call a deer with no eyeballs?
- I have no eye-deer (get it, like idea but eye-deer)
What do you call a deer with no eyeballs or legs?
- Still no eye-deer
celebrating our anniversary one day early tonight my husband said, “You look as beautiful today as you did the day of our wedding.” I said, “that’s ok, honey, you don’t have to lie, I know I looked better 11 years ago.” He said, “well, you did have professional help that day…”
Jess, hope you got as good a laugh as we did!
A Red Neck’s Driver’s Application…..
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
——————————————————————————–
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
——————————————————————————–
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
——————————————————————————–
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Waitress
[_] Mechanic [_] Dirty Politician
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Un-employed
——————————————————————————–
Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: __________________________
Lover’s Name: __________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________
——————————————————————————–
Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Father
[_] Son [_] Cousin
[_] Daughter [_] Pet
——————————————————————————–
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
——————————————————————————–
Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________
——————————————————————————–
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
——————————————————————————–
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
——————————————————————————–
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
——————————————————————————–
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
——————————————————————————–
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed
____ pawnshop
——————————————————————————–
Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
——————————————————————————–
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
[_] Bassmasters
——————————————————————————–
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
——————————————————————————–
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
——————————————————————————–
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A
——————————————————————————–
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
[_] Skoal
——————————————————————————–
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know
….well Jess, at least you’ll still got your purty teeth!
One of my all-time favorites. As a writer, you will like this:
>RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
>
>This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English
>students:
>
>Rebecca and Gary
>English 44A
>SMU
>Creative Writing
>Prof. Miller
>
>In-class Assignment for Wednesday
>
>Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
>The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
>sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write
>the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
>first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The
>first person will then add a third paragraph, and soon back and
>forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in
>order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree
>a conclusion has been reached.
>
>
>
>————————————————————
>
>At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted.
>The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
>now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
>that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
>keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
>she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
>So camomile was out of the question.
>
>
>Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
>squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
>think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo
>named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year
>ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his
>transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of
>resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish
>particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
>ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out
>of his seat and across the cockpit.
>
>
>He bumped his head and died almost immediately,but not before
>he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
>woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
>stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
>Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space
>Travel.” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news
>simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the
>window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed
>unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television
>to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
>beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to
>become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
>
>
>Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
>Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership
>launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
>wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
>Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the
>hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human
>race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
>Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
>firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
>them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
>fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in
> his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
>the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which
>vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President
>slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this!
> I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow’em out of the sky!”
>
>
>This is absurd. I refuse to continue this
>mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic,
>semi-literate adolescent.
>
>
>Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
>attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
>
>
> Asshole.
>
>
> Bitch.
Two Jews and a poodle are on a subway… Oh no I can’t, Robyn will kill me for this!
Sorry
I’m still giggling over the pirate walks into a bar joke from last Saturday. ha ha ha
Julie, my favorite joke and so easy to remember!
My all-time favorite joke: A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks, “Can I help you? ” The duck says, “Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?”
And what was the pirate in the bar joke?
A pirate walks into a bar with the ship’s wheel hanging from his crotch. As he orders his swill the bartender, who’s curiosity is getting the better of him, asks “Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel hanging from your crotch?”
The pirate looks up from his drink, nods and says “Arrrr, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”
**************************************
A bonus “pirate walks into a bar” joke:
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
The pirate raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean? I feel fine.”
“Um, what about the wooden leg? As I recall, you didn’t have that last time you were here.”
The pirate nodded, “Oh, yeah. Well, we were in a raging battle at sea and a cannon blasted part of my leg off, but I’m fine now.”
“Well… alright, but still, you look awful. What about the hook — what happened to your hand?”
“As we boarded ship during another battle it was cut off in a wild sword fight. Afterwards I had it fitted with a hook, so I’m fine. Really.”
Still unsatisfied, the bartender motioned towards his patron’s face. “What about the eye patch?”
“Oh, that. One day we were at sea and it was a beautiful sunny day. A flock of gulls flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.”
After a moment, the bartender stammered, “Hold on. You can’t lose an eye just from bird crap.”
“Normally, not. But it was my first day with the hook.”
Bazinga!
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
More highbrow humor for your enjoyment….
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.”
The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north…
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch… Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”
The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set
of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful
young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.”
“Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?”
“Nah,” says the second friend over his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.”
Hilarious Chip!
After Day 11, you probably need some new jokes to cheer you up.
———–
A man walks in to local tavern and pounds his fist on the bar.
“All lawyers are assholes!” he shouts.
Another man in the back of the bar jumps up.
“I resent that!”
“Are you a lawyer?” the first man asks.
“No, I’m an asshole.”
————
In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel
like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, “Iron this.”
————-
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
—————
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
—————-
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost? I thought you said ‘goats.’”
Hi Jess – it was so great getting to celebrate with you yesterday! I have to say that your friend Chip has got a really great sense of humor…and we all know…”Laughter is the best medicine” (or at least a good part of it ; )
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
So, this is one of the funniest things that makes me laugh out loud everytime I see it… another random thing I came across today, but had to share:
http://glumbert.com/media/baddayoffice
Enjoy!
OK Jess, you sound a little better today, so maybe you are ready to laugh again.
An older nun and a younger one board their rickety old bicycles and leave the convent in Rome for a day of missionary work on the poor side of the city. They run late on their return back to the convent. It is getting dark so the older nun suggests they take a shortcut through some of the oldest back streets in the city. After riding a few minutes, the younger nun says “I’ve never come this way before”. The older nun smiles knowingly and replies “It’s the cobblestones.”
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by
teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers
were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite…)
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were
taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.” (LOVE IT)
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?” (MY FAVORITE)
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”
One fine morning the milkman arrives at the house of family Jones. Mrs. Jones opens the door, and asks him to come inside. She invites him in the kitchen, where a huge and very good breakfast is prepared for him. He sits down and very much enjoys all the excellent food. When he is finished she asks him to come upstairs, and the milkman certainly has a good time!
When they dress and go down, she gives him a 5 dollar bill. Now the milkman is really surprised, and asks where the 5 dollars are for. She replies: “Well, yesterday I told my husband that is was your birthday today, and he said: “So what, fuck the milkman, give him 5 bucks.” But the breakfast was entirely my idea!”
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don’t.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Thanks Mike, those are pretty good!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
ACCENTURE CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Accenture, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Accenture helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the
chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Accenture convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Accenture consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to
synergise with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals in
delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive toward the creation of a total business integration solution. Accenture helped the chicken change to become more successful.
A small business owner was faced with the problem of having to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he had to fire one of his employees. He looked in his files and saw that his newest employees were Diane and Jack. Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he
wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally he decided that he would fire the first one he saw taking a break.
About ten minutes later he saw Diane leaning against the wall next to the water cooler. He walked over to her with a serious look on his face and said, “Diane, it seems as though I’m going to have to either lay you or Jack off.” Diane looked at her employer and said, “Well, you’re going to have to jack off because I have a headache.”
There’s a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn’t know what he is, because he can’t see.
The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says, “Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.” The rabbit was happy to know what he was.
He tells the blind snake, “Come here and I will try to determine what you are.” The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, “You’re cold and slimy and don’t have any balls. You must be a lawyer.”
Blonde Password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento
When asked why such a long password,
she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant… Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe’s legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
OMG Julie, that’s horrible! But thanks for the laugh
So, this horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says: “hey there, why the long face?”