My mouth is starting to hurt quite a bit now, but it’s not stopping me from eating. In terms of treatment for it, I’m up to the “magic mouthwash,” which is basically a numbing rinse. It helps to relieve the pain. They also started me on a non-narcotic pain killer so that I hopefully can avoid getting completely loopy over the next few days. As for my heart, my echo-cardiogram results came back showing my heart functioning the same as it had been a month ago, which is good. They suspect that my higher heart rate may be due to some dehydration, the physical changes my body is going through, adrenalin and anxiety. So they started me on IV fluids and at last check, my heart rate has already started to come down.

I’m definitely having issues with adrenalin and anxiety. I feel like I have a ton of energy to burn off and no way to do it. And there are times when every little ache, pain and itch makes me anxious. That said, throughout this whole experience, I have learned that there are ways for me to manage the anxiety and that it’s also okay to admit I can’t always control it and I need a pill once in a while.

Before I go, I want to thank Michael for stopping by today. He’s another huge inspiration of mine as he is a 3-year AML survivor and is doing amazingly well. Oh, and I couldn’t be happier to hear about all of you who are checking out the Happiness Project. How great would it be if we were all a little happier next year?!?!

My counts are starting to come down and thus I’m starting to have some side effects now. During the last two chemos, I was fortunate enough not to have any issues with my mouth, but this time it looks like I’m well on my way to having that happen. If things get bad, they give you heavy duty pain meds and, worst case scenario, you probably stop eating and end up on IV nutrition. We’re nowhere near that yet, but since I have at least 4 or 5 days to go before my counts drop and another 7 to 10 before they come up, I could be dealing with this for a while. The other side effect that they’re trying to figure out is that my heartrate is up. It is on the low end of being elevated, but it elevated all the same and I had lots of tests today to try to figure out what is going on there. I know that this is making me anxious which is probably making it worse, but the one thing I’ve worried about from the very beginning is anything happening to my heart. There are a million reasons why it could have gone up and good reason to think it will come back down. I need to stop worrying about it so much to start with.

I’ve been feeling really good about everything but I know this next week is going to being hard. I also know I’ve gotten through it before and I can do it again. I have to have faith in that. I’ve convinced myself that positive thinking really does make a difference but I also know that sometimes when your gut tells you something is wrong, it’s really wrong. Having gone through this experience – being diagnosed with cancer to begin with – and then having the infections and other bizarre things along the way, I’m having a hard time telling myself not to worry about anything. I believe I will be okay, I know I will be okay, but even being this close, the other side of this feels so far away.

Last night my girlfriends came down and it was great to see them. Anya brought me lots of polish so now my toes and fingers look lovely for all the doctors and nurses. Holly came this morning and brought me homemade pumpkin muffins, which were delicious. And Joel and Steph came down to watch the game with me. Thanks guys!

If anyone has book suggestions, please let me know. I’m running low on reading materials. The only requirement is that it has to be funny or uplifting, no tragedies or tearjerkers please!

Today was uneventful in a good way. The weekends are a little odd here – different nurses, just one tech for the whole floor. In any case, I was never even told my counts today so I have no idea where they are. The only thing that showed up today was my heart rate was elevated. I was concerned it might be coming from one of the medications I am on, but my doctor decided to have me take anti-anxiety medication first to see what happens. I’m happy to accept anxiety as the cause but I haven’t really seen the number go down yet.

A bunch of my girlfriends are coming down tonight and I’m very excited we’ll all be painting our toe nails. I’m also looking forward to seeing Holly tomorrow and my brother and Steph for game time. Have a good night!

This is going to be a quick update because I am lucky enough to get a little date night with Brian tonight, thank you to Holly! There is not much to report today. My counts are still good but going down slowly. My white count took a crazy surge up to 38,000 thanks to the neupogen and steroids yesterday. I still feel okay physically. As I’ve told a couple of people, I feel like I am waiting for the bottom to fall out. I’m in this weird period where the only thing to do is wait and see how my body handles all of these cells coming and going. Everyone is happy with how my body is handling things so far, but I keep telling them not to jinx me. I’m not out of the clear until I’m at home with my kids for good – hopefully sooner than later! In any case, based on what my nurse explained, I should be bottoming out next Thursday or Friday and working my way up gradually by the beginning of the following week. Again, just lots of waiting.

In the meantime, I’ve been keeping pretty busy with little activities. I also had a visit from my friend Glenn today and a food delivery from dad. I will be sampling the entire line of Amy’s Frozen Organic entrees that are non-dairy/lactose free so I’ll let you know how they are. Alright, off to watch my movie.

Well my stem cells have been returned to my body. I would like to think they were happy to come back and are finding their way quickly and productively into my bone marrow as we speak. The transplant process was fairly uneventful, though as you would expect, I had a little bit more reaction to it than most people. There is a preservative used to store your cells and any reaction during the process is to that preservative and not to your cells themselves. They had given me IV Benedryl and hyrdracortizone as a pre-med, but the preservative was giving me a strong tickle in my throat and mouth that was a little unsettling at first. They ended up giving me double doses of both meds and it helped to relieve those symptoms. I had also been warned about an awkward taste that comes from the preservative. For the first 20 seconds or so I got the distinct taste of tomato soup in my mouth but it quickly went away. Unfortunately, the smell that I tasted lingers in your body for around 24 hours and although I can’t smell it, every single person that walks in the room can apparently. The nurses say this is completely normal. Every time someone on the floor has a transplant, you know it. So for anyone that comes to visit me tomorrow, be prepared. There’s nothing like being the source of an off putting-odor and not being able to do anything about it!

I had a small audience for the transplant including my very first nurse who began this whole process with me, Trish. Brian came and then several of the transplant nurses. Below is a picture of Trish and I.

When the transplant was finished, I had a great visit with Brian from the Ulman Fund. He is running in the Baltimore Marathon with around 50 other cancer survivors and supporters on Saturday. I wish all of them the best of luck!

I actually got a nap in today thanks to all that Benedryl. Other than that, I still feel pretty good. My counts are still normal which the doctor keeps reassuring me is a good thing. They also started neupogen shots again tonight but I think it’s a smaller dose than I had last time and it didn’t seem to bother me as much. Though I know my belly will look like a pin cushion again in a couple of days. I’m off to read my cooking magazines and fantasize about pumpkin pie. Week 1 is officially complete – hopefully not too much longer to go. Good night.