Day 139
My counts are starting to come down and thus I’m starting to have some side effects now. During the last two chemos, I was fortunate enough not to have any issues with my mouth, but this time it looks like I’m well on my way to having that happen. If things get bad, they give you heavy duty pain meds and, worst case scenario, you probably stop eating and end up on IV nutrition. We’re nowhere near that yet, but since I have at least 4 or 5 days to go before my counts drop and another 7 to 10 before they come up, I could be dealing with this for a while. The other side effect that they’re trying to figure out is that my heartrate is up. It is on the low end of being elevated, but it elevated all the same and I had lots of tests today to try to figure out what is going on there. I know that this is making me anxious which is probably making it worse, but the one thing I’ve worried about from the very beginning is anything happening to my heart. There are a million reasons why it could have gone up and good reason to think it will come back down. I need to stop worrying about it so much to start with.
I’ve been feeling really good about everything but I know this next week is going to being hard. I also know I’ve gotten through it before and I can do it again. I have to have faith in that. I’ve convinced myself that positive thinking really does make a difference but I also know that sometimes when your gut tells you something is wrong, it’s really wrong. Having gone through this experience – being diagnosed with cancer to begin with – and then having the infections and other bizarre things along the way, I’m having a hard time telling myself not to worry about anything. I believe I will be okay, I know I will be okay, but even being this close, the other side of this feels so far away.
Last night my girlfriends came down and it was great to see them. Anya brought me lots of polish so now my toes and fingers look lovely for all the doctors and nurses. Holly came this morning and brought me homemade pumpkin muffins, which were delicious. And Joel and Steph came down to watch the game with me. Thanks guys!
If anyone has book suggestions, please let me know. I’m running low on reading materials. The only requirement is that it has to be funny or uplifting, no tragedies or tearjerkers please!
Hey Jess, did you read “outliers” yet? It’s not a downer, and is absorbing! Great to see you last night!
Hi Sinéad,
Was just reading the The Happiness Project website. Really like it! I was struck by the following statement. Maybe it’s because I’m terribly overworked at the moment but it just seemed so appropriate for both of us on completely different levels. Sleep well tonight, my friend…you and your fancy toes!
“I have a sticky note in my bedroom that reads, “Quiet mind.” Whenever I see it, I drop my shoulders, relax my jaw, and try to smooth out my thoughts. It actually works.”
Love,
Heather
How about The Magicians? It’s kind of Harry Potterish, but for the older crowd. It’s not funny or uplifting, but not sad either, just really entertaining and will keep your interest.
I can’t come down til Thu or Friday but I’ll bring some books with me (and I’ll remember to bring them in from the car!).
Have you started reading all the Twilight series yet? I have stayed clear away from them just because I have a feeling I would get caught up like everyone else and I just don’t have the time for that now, but maybe that would be a good selection to take up some time?
I think of you often Jess. I would love to come visit one of these days…
PS – My personal theory on your heartrate is that you are excited about this all being almost over for you!!!!
Sorry about the Ravens….Maybe that’s the heartrate? just a joke from New England. Hang in there ..we’re all praying and hoping for this to be over for you soon. Love you very much.
Aunt Martha & Uncle Bob
Jess -
Having had the mouth thing myself once (I think I told you about it), I really, really sympathize with you. It is truly miserable… on top of everything else you are coping with, physically and mentally. Try popsicles or bland pasta if eating becomes difficult.
Besides reading, have you thought about renting DVD sets of TV shows so you can sit there and watch full seasons in a day or two? A couple I would recommend if you haven’t seen them are the British original The Office (I think that was 2 seasons, 12 episodes in total) and Mad Men (1st 3 seasons available on DVD).
Hope you bottom out and start improving soon. This is like a marathon and you’re about at mile 22. Maybe you can’t see the finish line yet but you know it’s not too far away.
Chip
Jessiker!!
It just dawned on me that it is mid October! I feel horrible because I have totally lost track of time these days. I’m sure no one is surprised to hear this since it was an issue for me when I was single and commitment free. But having two 3 yr. olds is doing really bad things to my brain. I just hope you know that I am thinking of you and have not forgotten that I owe you (and myself) a visit. If I can get a week free of illnesses in my household, I promise to make it happen.
I like Chip’s idea of bingeing on TV series! I would have to suggest Flight of the Conchords. Very funny!!
If you are feelin’ at the bottom, perhaps you’ll like this quote:
“My center is giving way, my right is in retreat; situation excellent; I shall attack!” F. Foch
Hang in there my friend!! XOXOXOX -Bryn