At last I have some good news to report! All of your positive vibes and prayers have paid off and I am finally not neutropenic anymore. I’m not going home yet, but I’m okay with that. It looks like, as long as I don’t run any crazy fevers (knock-on-wood) I should go home Monday or Tuesday. I’m actually exhausted right now so, after all this time, I almost don’t feel like I’m ready to go home. I’m so nervous about running fevers that I want to make sure they’re gone or not infectious before I leave.  I also haven’t been sleeping well at all so maybe this will help me relax a little and get some rest.

The other bit of good news is that, although my platelet count went down after the transfusion yesterday, when they did my blood counts this morning my platelets had actually gone up by 1,000. What that means is that my body is starting to produce them on its own.

Brian and Gigi are coming to hang out tonight and Jim and Elizabeth stopped by today. My face actually hurts from smiling so much about finding out I’m not neutropenic. It was really great (although I was a nervous wreck!) walking around this afternoon without a mask on. I get a few less stares that way. As I said though, I’m almost worn out from the excitement today so I’m going to try to sneak in a nap before my visitors get here.

I’m not going home tomorrow because I got a fever last night of 102.7 and now they have to wait 48 hours to confirm that I don’t have any infections on a blood culture test. The ID doctor was optimistic that I could go home Saturday morning if the counts came up and I didn’t run any more high fevers. My counts did come up a little today – they went from 500 to 1,600 but we have a long way to go and I still need lots of neutrophils. I’m trying to stay positive but I can just see things getting to Saturday and them saying that I’ll need to harvest my stem cells Monday so why not just stay here?

I’m also very disappointed about my platelets. They had dropped to 6,000 which was somewhat expected because my body probably isn’t producing any on their own yet. The blood bank won’t have the exact matched platelets that I need ready until tomorrow so they gave me 2 bags of closely matched platelets from a different donor today. I had a strong feeling it wouldn’t work but I was happy to try. The first bag bumped me up to 8,000 but the blood test after the second bag showed them down at 4,000 now. I pray that they will give me the matched ones that I need tomorrow. It is so scary being in this situation again. I can physically see the changes in my body when I have a low platelet count and it is a visible reminder that everything’s not okay.

I can’t lie, I’m pretty depressed right now. I feel like I may never leave here. I feel like I’ve stayed so optimistic throughout this and it’s not working and I’m trapped and have no control to make anything better. I’ve been here over 3 weeks now and I can’t see the end anymore. All of these arbitrary dates that I picked – first Labor Day, then Friday – keep coming and going with no chance of me leaving. And now I’m having these fevers again and I’m worried they’ll keep me here for another week to watch those. The fevers could be a good sign, they could mean that my white count is coming up but who knows. I just want to wake up in the morning and have them give me good news. It all feels so unfair right now, but I know we are only given challenges we are strong enough to face. I need to stop the tears, suck it up and just wait.

I was lucky today to have Phaedra, Matt and my dad come to visit. My dad restocked my fridge so I can avoid hospital food for a few more days.

I was hoping to see a lot of you this weekend but I don’t know if that will happen now. There is still time, I suppose but I have to face the reality that I may still be here next week.

One hundred days since I started fighting cancer. I’m not sure if I should celebrate or cry. It’s kind of an odd anniversary. I’ll be much more excited when it’s 100 days since I finished with treatment!

There was a little bit of good news today. My white blood count went from 400 to 500. Though a teeny tiny jump, at least it’s something. Additionally, the infectious disease doctor said he and his cohorts have decided that my liver infection seems to have improved enough that I don’t have to go home on any IV medications. That will make my life much easier. Unfortunately I’ve started to have some low grade fevers (100.4-100.7). In a way this could be a good thing – an indication that my bone marrow is working to produce new cells. It’s not uncommon to run low fevers when your counts are coming up. I just have to hope that they stay low and ultimately go away.

Aside from all of that, today was pretty quiet. I did my usual walk around the hospital and then spent some quality time working on yoga. I can’t do very much because of the PICC line in my arm but I’m learning to work around that. Starting to practice yoga again and rebuild some flexibility is a good way to keep me occupied and sane right now. Other ways I’ve come up with to pass the time include browsing the web for things I would love to buy but never will, planning my future trips to Belize and Disney World, reading books and restaurant menus online for places I want to eat one day and talking on the phone. My new 8 o’clock ritual is to relax with some Laughing Cow Cheese and crackers – sad, I know! I would rather be eating brie with apples and drinking wine but it’s not on the hospital menu. Do you think I’m going stir crazy or what?!?! Hopefully soon …

I’m starting to feel like a broken record with this blog – my counts still haven’t moved. It’s getting a little depressing now though I know nothing’s wrong and I’m just stuck in that waiting period. I’m on day 18 from the start of chemo and typically counts come up between days 14 and 21. I know I’m staying here at least until Friday but I want to go home that day, I don’t want to spend another weekend here! I’m trying so hard not to be frustrated or depressed but I can’t help wondering if my counts will ever come up? I know they will but as I’ve said a million times before, the waiting is so hard.

Thank goodness for the visitors I’ve had and the great nurses. It is helping the time pass. Today Jim came to visit which was great. Anyone want to come tomorrow?

I wish I had better news to report or more interesting things to talk about, but at this point I’m just watching a lot of HGTV, doing my walks around the hospital and trying to read some books. But tomorrow’s a new day and all I can do is hope for some good news.

Well, its been 98 days since I started this process. I’m wondering if my body is waiting for day 100 to send me home. Wouldn’t that be ironic?

My white counts were still down today but tomorrow is a new day and anything is possible. Although I am in a good place with all of this, having my counts go up – even if I don’t go home yet – would be a real thrill. And when I say thrill, I mean it. I would literally be bouncing off the walls if they would start to go up. Waiting and waiting and waiting is just torture. Patience is not a virtue I was not born with and learning to have it is hard, darn it!

All of that said, I had a pretty great day today. I got a huge surprise when Amanda came to visit this afternoon. It was so good to see her and talk. My dad brought be lunch and then I roped my brother and Steph into bringing me dinner. Somehow I’ve managed to avoid hospital food for quite a few days now. It’s a good thing though because the last time they weighed me I had put on 3 pounds! Just 8 more to go and I’ll be back to my normal weight. Unfortunately it’s all sitting in my belly right now and hasn’t spread out yet. I know once I get back to building some muscle it will help. Having the extra roll in the belly is also a good thing because that’s where the neupogen shots go. I’m on my 4th day of those now and I still don’t like them. Some things never get easier but I guess you get used to them.

I also got to talk to Dan, an AML survivor today. Dan finished his stem cell transplant and went home the day after I came into the hospital to start my first chemo in June. He is doing great now. We’ve talked several times over email, but it was really helpful to speak over the phone today. He did the exact same protocol that I am following so it was very interesting to hear about his experience. No two people will ever have the same experience, but I can only hope to recover as quickly as Dan did. I believe in my heart that I will but I have quite a road ahead of me. Thank you Dan, as always, for the inspiration and being so open in sharing your journey with me.

I heard a great quote from a cancer survivor today. She is a uterine cancer survivor, several years out, and she was talking about how no one ever wants to get cancer and she would never say she was grateful for having it, but ultimately it changed her life in a positive way. Her quote was, “sometimes the best gifts come in the ugliest packages.” I hope that I will feel that way when I have recovered from all of this.

The weather was beautiful today and I hope everyone got out and enjoyed the last day of summer. Some of us (and you know who you are ) couldn’t be happier that this summer is over. Here’s to having faith that the change in seasons means wonderful changes for all of us!