Today was a good day. I actually slept okay last night because I opted not to take any Advil during the middle of the night, which means I wouldn’t have to worry about any fevers breaking and having horrible night sweats. However, I woke up with a fever of 102.9. There was no time to fret over it because Ty had his first soccer practice this morning. I downed my Advil and moved on with my day. Overall, I think I might be starting to feel better – a little more energy, a little less pain, etc. I know the fevers would wreak havoc without the Advil/Tylenol, but I’m wondering if there isn’t some improvement to this infection? Monday’s CT will tell all.

It’s funny how being home you slip so easily back into old patterns. In the hospital I spent so much time meditating and focusing on positive visualization. At home, I’m passed out on the couch as soon as the kids are in bed and the dishes are done. As any mother knows, it’s really hard to find time for yourself to do anything. I’m lucky to have my babysitter here through the week because that gives me time to get some things done. I need to make it a priority to find time to relax. At the same time, there’s something about going through this battle that has me feeling empowered. I suppose it’s because I see me taking control of my life and living it the way I want to when I am in recovery. There’s something about knowing you can fight – and beat – cancer that makes you feel like you won’t tolerate any other crap. Life’s obviously short and I firmly believe there is something positive to be gained from each day. I wish that everyone could see that.

Before I go, I just want to thank my dad, Mike and Peggy for all of their help and support. Dad has spent tons of time watching the kids, bringing me food at the hospital and taking me to doctors’ appointments. I know it hasn’t always been convenient, but from my end it has always been appreciated. Peggy comes and helps out with the kids every Friday and, often, on times in between. She said to me last week, “we’re in this for the long haul.” Knowing the kind of support I have behind me makes every challenge easier to face.

I got the okay from my doctor to start using Advil again. Who knew what a difference that would make? I started it yesterday and was able to spend the whole day out with Ty and didn’t start running anything over 100 until after 5 pm. The evening was good too but last night may have been one of the worst nights I have had yet. It’s okay though, I’m determined to have a good day today. I’ve been letting this infection get the best of me mentally. I think that it is hard to feel confident about getting better when you’re doctor’s feel so unsure (I feel like I’ve already said this). I need to start looking at this the same way I did the AML and know that I can beat it, no matter what it takes.

As I said, I got to spend a great day with Ty yesterday – lunch just the two of us, shopping for birthday presents and buying all of his soccer gear. Part of me is feeling incredibly accomplished because I’ve gotten so much done in the last few days. But by 3 or 4 pm, it’s nap time (for me), then dinner time, then bathtime, then bedtime. I never realized how exhausting my ordinary life could be. I look forward to the time when it doesn’t feel so overwhelming again.

I went in for a check-up today and had the pleasure of the doctor’s telling me, yet again, “we’re not 100% sure of what your infection is.” My infectious disease doctor went to a conference last week and actually presented my case in the hopes that the other doctors in attendance might have some further insight into what’s wrong with my liver. Although everyone feels that it is most consistent with something called “candida,” the two far stretches are cat scratch fever and some other very rare thing where a germ in your mouth causes these types of spots on your liver. As a final, and I quote my doctor, “hail Mary” he put my in yet another antibiotic. After all this time, should it by some miracle turn out to be one of those two things, my fevers should be gone in 2 or 3 days. But most likely, it is still some form of candida that is just going to take weeks to clear up. It is very frustrating. I came at this prepared to fight cancer and instead I am side-swiped by a rare infection that my doctors can’t seem to make go away. I want this to go away so that I can get back to fighting the cancer.

That’s the update, but I’ve honestly decided to stop talking about the fevers. I feel like a broken record and they say the more something simmers in your mind continually, the more real it becomes. Maybe if I ignore them and stop giving them editorial and air time, they will go away!