I just wanted to say a belated Happy New Year to everyone! I ended up having a really nice New Years at home with great friends. It was a last-minute plan and I’m grateful it worked out since I assumed I would be doing nothing at all that night. All of us were more than ready to say goodbye to 2011 and move on to a more healthful, happy, less stressful, less dramatic 2012. Although there are prophecies that the world might end this year, I’m confident I can get through whatever mass chaos could occur so long as I have kicked cancer to the curb. Bring it on.

My blood counts have continued to do well. I had them checked on Saturday morning and my white count had worked it’s way back up to 5.1 (normal) and platelets were at 90,000. The next few weeks are pivotal for me because  in the last 2 years my platelets have never climbed over the 110,000 range. I am very curious to see if they will do that now. The issue with my bone marrow and the reason for my diagnosis of AML (acute myeloid leukemia) is that my bone marrow wasn’t producing enough cells. This is what the myeloid indicates. Healthy marrow would have platelet levels in the 150,000 – 400,000 range. Nothing would make me happier than seeing my platelet count be normal for the first time since 2009! It would be a very good sign.

I have surprised myself by running 2 miles twice now on the treadmill and feeling really good both during and afterwards. My cardiovascular fitness hasn’t diminished to the degree that I was expecting. I’ve had some weight loss which I think is mostly muscle and I am very eager to get the line out of my shoulder so that I can get back to that part of my fitness routine.

Mentally, I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am fighting some fears. I am quick to brush them aside, but the length of time I have to wait to find out if this worked is really several months. I’m fine when I’m keeping busy during the day but I find my mind a wandering mess at night and am having a lot of trouble sleeping. It is good and bad when you believe so strongly in the power of the mind to heal the body. On the one hand, you feel empowered; on the other you can find yourself feeling like you aren’t being positive enough and therefore hurting yourself somehow. I know that I am staying as strong as I can and that I need to let science, biology, medicine, do their things. But there are moments when the positive attitude you have can come crumbling down. For example, yesterday Kieran, my youngest, was sitting next to me having a snack and he looked over and said “Mommy, I really missed you.” And I asked if he meant while I was at the hospital. He said yes and then asked why I had to the go to hospital. I explained it again and then he said, “please don’t go to the hospital anymore.” The only thing I could say was that “I hope I never have to.” As a parent, we all want nothing more than to reassure our children that they will always be safe and protected from the things that they fear. In my case, I can’t offer a guarantee right now. It is what makes me fight as hard as I have to, but it is also what allows worry to creep in.

With that in mind, I’ve been working very hard on mediation and guided visualizations. I’ve been trying to settle my fears and focus on what I want for my life. When I run on the treadmill and envision crossing the finish lines, I run faster. When I feel tired but envision watching my children graduate from college, I do more. One of the visions I’m working on is the idea of turning this blog into a book and with so much free time now, I think I’m going to begin writing it. The vision goes on to include an interview with Oprah because, hey, why not go big?!?! When I’ve contemplated this idea before, I’ve asked about who would be interested in reading another cancer story? Perhaps someone going through the same thing I did, yes, but last night in my sleepless stupor I came up with my answer. I want to write this book so that no matter what happens to me, I want my children to know what I fought through and I want to teach them to find the strength within themselves to always fight for what matters. I want them to find the sense of inner peace that I am beginning to uncover while they are young, not when they are struggling with jobs they don’t like or have passed over opportunities to explore the world. They won’t read this book until they are older, but I want it to be there for them along with my collection of cards, books, supergirl memorabilia and all of the other incredibly special items that I have collected from my friends and family on this journey. These things show how important love is.

This would be a great place to do a list of my new year’s resolutions but I’m keeping a few of them private. Here are a few that I’ll share:

1. CURE. CURE. CURE. Be cancer free for good!!!

2. Run in 3 races this year including IronGirl and Half Full.

3. Work on my book.

4. Be creative outside of my job; i.e. paint a picture for fun.

There are other resolutions that seem to carry over from year to year, or at this point from decade to decade! Such as, stress-less, laugh more. We should all do that.

One last thing before I go, I must thank Kim from the Ulman Fund for delivering me an incredible gift today. The UF gave me a certificate for a personal chef for the next few weeks. She will work with me to come up with menus that work for me and my family and come in and prepare everything. Meal planning/preparation has been one of the hardest things for me because I can’t go to the grocery store. As you might have deduced by now, I also am fairly picky about the quality of the food I am eating. I am so excited to see what this chef whips up for us and so, so grateful for such a thoughtful gift from an organization that means the world to me.