I don’t have any further information to report right now. Everyone is asking me about a time frame and the latest on that is that I won’t go in before the 21st of November. I am just hoping that I can go in that week, otherwise the chances of being home for Christmas are slim. They need these next few weeks to get everything lined up with the donor. The transplant team is pushing to have all of this done as quickly as possible, but there’s only so much that can happen each day. Tomorrow I will be at the hospital from 8am-4pm for testing myself. I have been through these tests before, but not since before my autologous transplant. Although I am DREADING the long day and all the poking, prodding and scanning, I am curious to see how my body has recovered from everything. I’m most curious about my heart and lung function. My lung function was pretty poor the last time around. My heart function was just over 50%, which is not terrible. I think a healthy person should be in the 60% range. After all of the running and yoga, I would hope that these things have improved a little. A clean CT scan would also be nice given that the last scan from sometime in the early spring showed the slightest remnants of the liver infection. I would just be pleased to know that the rest of my body looks like a normal 35-year old’s, minus the broken chromosomes.

I’ve been incredibly busy this past week which makes it easy not to focus on worry or fear. I’ve also been productive as far as getting myself ready for everything ahead. I’m stocking up on food for the boys, buying new hats for soon to be bald head, organizing my household and finalizing details for a remodeling project. Our trip to Disney is booked and I’m thrilled. The time to prepare has made this all a little easier, but I can’t say that I haven’t had a meltdown or two. Going to the store today and seeing all of the Christmas stuff made it hard to think about the fact that I won’t be here to hang decorations or wrap presents or read Christmas stories while drinking hot chocolate with the kids. I know that I have to focus on the long-term goal, but just two weeks ago I thought I was almost free from all of this and now I am returning to my “prison” once again. It’s not self-pity, just intense disappointment mixed with fear of what the outcome of all of this will be.

There’s no need to wallow in any of that. Instead I want to focus on what I am grateful for which is my ever-so-incredible group of friends. They’ve got my back and I know it. I’m also so thankful for Brian’s continued support and shoulder to cry on. It is soaked at this point! But he remains steady in his belief that I will get through this and be okay on the other side. His confidence and faith in me helps keep me strong.