Notes From Supergirl

My Diary from the Trenches

Day 345

May12

The great news is that my biopsy results came back clean – I am still in remission. The other news (it’s not bad news, just not good necessarily) is that my platelets were 74,000 on Monday instead of the 75,000 they needed to be to do my next round of chemo. It doesn’t mean anything other than that is what the measurement was at that particular time of the day. They said they could have tested me an hour later or put a different sample through the machine and my platelets could have been 80,000. In any case, they had to delay my chemo until next week. Hopefully the numbers are where they need to be to stay on track.

You would think that the results of the biopsy would have put me in a great mood this week but instead I’ve been stuck in a not-so-great funk. I was really disappointed about not getting to do my chemo. I also saw a woman at the hospital on Monday who was in the transplant unit the same time that I was. She wasn’t a friendly person but the one time I spoke to her she said something about being on her third transplant because the first two hadn’t worked. I’ve seen her many times at the hospital since leaving in October and she has looked progressively worse. When I saw her on Monday, it was almost frightening. She hardly looked human. Her body was nothing but bones, her skin ashen and gray. It was also incredibly sad. It’s hard for me to write about. It’s hard to see someone so sick, so close to dying and to know that for whatever reason, it went one way for me (so far) and the other way for her. I could be her, she could be me – what’s fair about any of that?

I know I can’t get caught up in the mind games and the downward spiral of thinking about all of that. I feel sad for her, so sad, and yet, selfishly, it made me feel so sad for me. I think that’s the root of the funk. I should be grateful to all that be for the fact that I am here and full of life right now, but instead it brought me face to face with the reality of cancer. I suppose I try to ignore that most of the time. And so, the negative energy of Monday has carried throughout the week and has led to one bad thought after another. Never a good thing. On the one hand, I am making incredible strides physically and on the other hand, I’m getting swept away with superficial negativity about my hair or the loss of my normalcy. I know this is all selfish and petty. I haven’t lost site of the things I am grateful for, I never will. But occasionally I just wish I didn’t have to think about this or live with this. I wish a bad hair day could just be the worst part of the day and not issues about my mortality.

As you can see, I really am in a funk. So I’ve made it a point this week to try to get out every day and do something with my friends and/or the kids. I’ve also rearranged my schedule to accommodate running and yoga and workouts and, fortunately, I’ve still found time to work and be productive. I’ll be fine. I think I have to accept the fact that sometimes SuperGirl doesn’t always feel like SuperGirl and that’s okay.

Oh, and before I run I must thank all of you who emailed me about my last blog post. There were many of you who didn’t want to comment on here and I wish you would have because the comments were hilarious and insightful. I won’t mention any names to protect everyone’s privacy but one of you uplifted me greatly by pointing out that I might not have healed as quickly as I did were it not for my healthy lifestyle. I like that point and I certainly hope it continues to work for me. Many of you also agreed with my sentiments after facing similar personal situations. But among my favorite comments is this quote from a great friend:

“I didn’t think it sounded negative at all, just mostly true. But I did want to point out that the people who are sitting around eating scrapple and pizza probably aren’t as happy/content as you’d think. At this point in my life I am learning that mental happiness and physical health pretty much are one in the same…those of us who are not physically what we want to be are mostly just expressing our mental instability around our waistlines!”

You know who you are ;) It made me laugh and it may be true. But just remember that not all the skinny girls are happy all the time either. We’re just running away from our problems – literally! – a little bit faster than some others may be.

And just to ramble for another minute, this also reminds me that this past Sunday morning, the morning news show did a feature about happiness. They spoke with Happiness Project author Gretchen Ruben. The overwhelming conclusion to the piece was that the one thing in life that has the greatest impact on our happiness is our relationship with others. What I can say for sure is that despite this bump in the road, I have never been happier and that is because I have never felt so much love, inspiration, calm and comfort from the people I have around me. So to my friends and family, I love you all and am so, so grateful to have you.

Wow, good thing I kept talking, I feel better already! :)

posted under The Daily Record
2 Comments to

“Day 345”

  1. Avatar May 26th, 2011 at 5:21 pm martha Says:

    So..every day is a gift and you have been at this for at least 352 days! You go girl! We all have our own battles. This is yours. You have inspired us, and continue to do so!


  2. Avatar May 26th, 2011 at 5:23 pm martha Says:

    I don’t know what this waiting for moderation means…not my words! Nothing in my life is in moderation.lol