This month has been full of ups and downs. I was blessed to be home for Christmas and enjoy the day with my family. It was everything I had hoped it would be, especially for the kids. I was sick with a sinus infection but I made it through. I had gone to the hospital the day before for a count check and my counts where all low, as expected, but no transfusions were needed. The day after Christmas (yesterday) I felt horrible, though. I was exhausted beyond belief and spent most of the day sleeping. Thank goodness my in-laws were here to help with the kids. I figured something had to be going on with my counts. When I went to the hospital today, I found out that my white count was at 0.8 and I was completely neutropenic. My platelets and red counts were hanging on but we did a red blood transfusion anyways to try to help with my fatigue and bring my heartrate down. My heartrate, which has been totally normal, was up around 120 today (normally 70-80). So I was sent home on an antibiotic and we will keep our fingers-crossed that it helps keep away any infections and fevers while I get through these next few days. I had a fever last night but it came down on it’s own. I probably should have gone to the hospital. In any case, my temperatures have been okay today so it’s just a matter of hoping they stay that way until my counts come up and I am no longer neutropenic. The doctor said that should come up any day now. I go back on Wednesday and am just praying that they will be on their way up.

I am so grateful that I made it through Christmas, but this trial chemo has ended up being far more challenging than I ever expected. I have had to the go to the hospital every other day for the last 4 weeks and each day comes with the stress of not knowing where my counts will be. I was also told that my counts wouldn’t dip nearly as low as they did on the in-patient chemos and going today and finding out my counts were as low (0.8) was a shock. I honestly thought that my counts would be on their way up. So all in all I have been a nervous, anxious and depressed wreck in the middle of this glorious holiday season. I have been trying to focus on the things I am grateful for but keep finding myself slipping into anger and depression over having to go through all of this. I just want to be normal for a little while, if not forever. I know I will never be “that” normal again, my normal will be a new normal. I also know that this phase I am in, like the ones before, is temporary and in a few weeks I should be back to feeling okay.

I’m not going to lie, I’m in a funk right now and wishing I could be more optimistic and “supergirl-ish,” especially for the holidays. As I said, I am enormously grateful just to be alive and to have had the chance to be home. I guess I just need a break. I want to play with my kids new toys and not spend every day at the hospital or checking my temperature every two hours. I’m jealous of everyone who doesn’t have to wake up and think about these things. But I also know how lucky I am. And, I know that as soon as my counts recover, I am going to do something totally out of character and go on a vacation with no planning whatsoever. The one thing this whole experience has taught me is that life is short and we shouldn’t wait to do the things that really matter to us. Spending some time away from all of this is just what I need right now.