Notes From Supergirl

My Diary from the Trenches

Day 170


It is amazing how much things can change yet stay exactly the same. I am back to basically my normal routine – taking care of the kids, trying to squeeze in work when they are at school or sleeping and trying to take care of the rest of the day to day things. When I envisioned coming home and finding time for balance and self reflection, what I had not counted on was my two-year old not going to sleep until 9 and spending over an hour and half climbing in and out of his bed. I also hadn’t figured on doing all of this myself. Brian is still here, I didn’t mean it to sound like he wasn’t, but he has returned to normal working hours and doesn’t come home until very late most nights. He has a lot of time to make up for after me being gone for so long. I caught myself sinking into a bit of anger and depression about the whole situation and then Roseann emailed me a series of older blog entries that she wanted to use and re-reading them made me realize how much I had come through. Although anyone could have told me that my life would not be perfect or blissfully happy after coming home from treatment, I think I had higher expectations than I am allowing myself to achieve.

I have had to face the fact that a) I have no control over what my fate will be with regards to whether this ever comes back or not; and b) that said, as Chip reminds me, I am, in fact, the master of my fate. It has always been challenging for me to take control of what I truly want in my life. I have no problems taking control of things like the food I eat or the amount of exercise I do or what I want to look like each day. But taking control of my fate, my future, my happiness has always eluded me in lieu of letting other people or situations guide me. After having been through the last 5 months, what I realize now is that it is all too easy to relapse into bad habits and bad mindsets. I know how to experience true happiness because I feel I have come so close to a dark side, there is inexpressible joy simply in being alive now. As for the day to day, I must not forget that and I must make time to focus on what’s important, even if it is only 5 minutes of reminding myself that I beat cancer at 34 and most other challenge should pale in comparison.

posted under The Daily Record
One Comment to

“Day 170”

  1. Avatar November 18th, 2010 at 7:43 am Robyn Says:

    I think I said this before–something about your forced captivity in the hospital forced me to slow down and focus on my relationship (at least my relationship with you :-) It’s hard to do that in “real life” once all the other day to day stuff kicks in! Chanukah celebration on Dec. 5th.