The last 24 hours have been challenging. Last night, around 5 pm, I started to get a headache that turned into a migraine like nothing I have ever felt before. Around 2 am, they took me for a CT scan to make sure that I wasn’t haven’t any bleeding in my head or sinus issues. The CT came back clear but the migraine lasted until around noon today. The rest of the day I was just tired and anxious, hoping the headache didn’t come back. I decided to stay off of pain medication today to see if that helped the way I was feeling. I think that it helped make me feel a little bit more normal, but I was still really tired. The good news in all of this is that my platelet count came up on its own to 7,000 this morning. I only need to get up to 10,000 for them to let me go home. Of course I should be excited because this could be as soon as tomorrow, but late afternoon today, I noticed my temperature starting to go up. I have mild chills now and, I’m not going to lie, am on the verge of freaking out that after making it this far and doing so well, I’m going to start running a fever now.

I have been meditating like crazy and taking a lot of anti-anxiety medication. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. For 5 months I have held myself together and stayed strong and now, all of a sudden, I’m running through all these fears of what will happen to me. Everyone keeps telling me to relax and take things day by day and I am trying to. I think I’m in the same sort of place I was with my last admission where I’m missing my kids terribly and I know that they have things coming up that I could miss again. Yes, it’s only Halloween, but it’s really important to Ty and I don’t want to disappoint him. Tonight I’m missing a party at their school. Life goes on without me – my friends are there, my family is there, my kids are there. I know everyone is thinking of me but this is one of those moments when I slip into the “why me,” “this isn’t fair,” kind of modes. I know I shouldn’t go there. I know there is a possibility I could be going home in less than 24 hours. I know I’m doing really well and I know this part of it will be over soon.

I remember that someone who went through this before me told me he was very emotional at the end as well. Maybe it’s all of the medication they give us or maybe it’s the fact that we fight so hard for so long and then it’s hard to believe there is really an end in site. What I can say is that the longer the wait, the harder the fight, the sweeter the victory. Nothing in the world will ever feel as good as hugging my kids when I finally get home. Nothing will feel as good as waking up to my family every morning and going to sleep with them every night. And with everything I have in my body, I will fight to never be taken away from them again. As Chip reminded me, I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.