I didn’t get to write last night because I was so zonked out from two doses of Benedryl yesterday. People were coming in and out of my room and I had no idea. I usually sleep well but fairly lightly, but yesterday I was gone. I had a red blood cell transfusion in the morning, followed by a platelet transfusion and then another red cell in the evening. My white count was up to 2,800 but platelets started the day at 3,000. After all of that bragging I did about my red cells, they took a dive yesterday down to 5 something from 8 the day before. All of the doctors were checking me for signs of internal bleeding or other issues because they couldn’t understand why the sudden drop. I appear to be fine so hopefully they will be back in the normal range today. As for the platelets I got a slight boost up to 7,000, which is better than nothing, but I really need to get up over 10 to be safer and up over 20,000 to consider going home. It seems that my body is starting to produce the cells on its own, so therefore they stopped the neupogen shots last night and this morning’s blood test will truly be a test of what my body is doing. Fingers-crossed, things keep going in the right direction.

I’m trying to ween myself off of the pain medication. Yesterday I only did a dose in the morning and one in the evening and was still able to eat my normal meals. My heart rate is back down to normal and my CT scan showed that the liver infection is going away. I’m very upbeat about everything but I’m having a lot of anxiety. I’m on so many different antibiotics and other medications that it’s messing with my system and my head a little bit. Although I should feel really good right now, I feel more tired than I had been, my energy is a little lagging and mentally I’m in sort of a blah place. I suppose I’m just anxious about what my cells will do in the coming days. I’m also dealing with my hair falling out again and a swollen, puffy face from all of the fluids they gave me over the last few days. The hair isn’t that big of a deal. I went into the shower with hair yesterday and came out with most of it gone. I’ll be fine when it’s finished falling out – I prefer that over the several days it takes for it all to happen. Plus, once it’s all gone, I know when it comes back, it’s coming back for good. As for my face, it will take a few days to get rid of all of the fluids and start to look normal again. I’m not as vain as I’m making this sound, it’s just that I feel better about myself when I look like myself and not a big, bald balloon head.

Now that I’m so close to the end, I’m starting to stress about the “what’s next” part too. When I can’t sleep at night, I find my mind spinning in all sorts of directions. Mostly I try to focus on all of the positives that are coming, but occassionally I think about little logistics like my job – will I have one or will I have to find one? Because I feel so strongly that stress may have contributed to me having this disease, I also feel incredibly strongly about keeping stress out of my life in the future. But I can’t live in la-la land. I have responsibilities and a family to take care of. I had a work project that had been put on hold since I was first diagnosed. The client had delayed it since November 2009 and suddenly popped up in June 2010 to say they wanted to do it and I had to explain that I wasn’t going to be able to do it now and they should find another designer. Instead, they said they would wait until I was out of the hospital (which I explained might not be until late Fall). They said that was fine. Then yesterday they contacted me to say they decided to find someone else to work on it. I’m actually glad they did, but now I have to send them the money for their initial deposit from last year. I’m actually hugely relieved not to have the project to do because I would have stressed myself to complete it when I got home, but it still bothered me for some reason and set my mind on a path of wondering about my career and will things work out like I want them to? Have some doors closed and others opened or will I need to forge an entirely new path?

I’ve had months to focus on nothing but my health, which I believe is/was the most important thing to do. I still have a couple of months left to continue to do this to assure I am good for the long haul. But lots of things have been put on hold during that time and I have managed to imagine my own solutions and new goals for the road ahead, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else will have the same ideas as me. I know that my future, just like my present situation, will have to be taken day by day. I am excited for it and have faith that the days will be richer, more peaceful and far more meaningful than before. I just hope I am able to maintain the strength I have gained through this to face whatever new challenges lie ahead.