Today was a hard day. Besides worrying about my own health while I’m here, the only other thing I ever worry about is something happening to Kieran. He is two years old, crazy and fearless and does things all the time that put himself in danger, not realizing it. When I am home, I watch him like a hawk. I am not going to go into detail, but two of the things I have most worried about with him happened today and fortunately he survived both of them and is fine. These things could have happened just as easily if I were at home, though I think one of the incidents would have been less likely to be as scary. But it doesn’t matter because I’m not there to be able to do anything about it. And since learning about these two things, I learned of other things that have happened which, again, he survived, but go further to show how carefully he needs to be watched. Again, I know that things could happen while I am there too, but I understand how he thinks, I look at everything and think “how would Kieran climb that or open that or jump off of that.” Even though other people care about my child, they don’t think the way that I do. They don’t realize what he is capable of. They don’t think far enough ahead to stop him before he could do something that would put his life in danger. I am just so unbelievably frustrated that I can’t be there to protect him!

This is not helping my heart rate at all. It has probably tripled in the last few hours. I know I need to put this aside and stop worrying about it. I need to try to have faith that my children will be okay for the next few weeks. I need to do everything possible to focus on healing myself so that I can get home to them. It’s funny that this last week, I had started to try to let things go. To realize that I can’t control things at home and I have to accept that. I was starting to come to peace with that but I’m not sure how to do that now. There is also nothing more frustrating than to be told that these things just happen and I need to stop being so upset about it. Anyone who is a mother would understand how hard it is to sit in a hospital room and not be able to be there to protect your child. At the very least to give them a hug like you’ve never hugged them before after something happens that could have taken them from you. I’m sorry but I’m allowed to be mad as hell and I’m allowed to be sad. Yes, things happen, but you tell me how you would feel if you were taken away from your children for 5 months when they’re too young to understand why? I’m allowed to feel all kinds of things and at least deserve to be respected for that.

Okay, deep breaths. I’m sorry, I needed to vent a few things. There is so much more to going through this than what happens in a hospital room. As for the hospital room today, my counts are headed down and I expect I will probably need a platelet and red blood transfusion tomorrow. Both are par for the course. Everything is actually going on the schedule they had anticipated. In the best case scenario, I might get lucky and see my counts start to come up over the weekend.

I want to end on an upbeat note and I need to say there are a number of people who love my children and take care of them as well as I would and I will never be able to thank all of you enough for that. I am also truly grateful for my friends who have stayed with me side by side on this journey and helped me work through days like this. You know who you are and I love you.

Update

I finished writing this post and my internet was down so I went for a walk in the hall. Just as I was getting my mask, my nurse Roseann popped up behind me. It couldn’t have been a more perfect time to see her. We visited for about an hour and she told me all about her amazing experience in Hawaii doing the Ironman Triathalon. We also talked about my day and how to emotionally deal with the challenges I’m facing missing home and worrying about my kids. She and I have always been on the same wavelength when it comes to the power of positive thinking, visualization, mediation, etc. I realized that I need to stop worrying so much about Kieran because I believe so strongly that many of the things we worry about we make realities for ourselves. If anything, I should focus on the fact that he has survived so many things already, it may be a sign he has much greater things to do! So with that, I am releasing him from my worries. I will always do everything in my power to protect him, guide him and teach him to make smart decisions but I need to have faith he will be okay when I am there and when I am not. My blood pressure, by the way, was way up when they took it a little while ago. I clearly need to let go and get back to working on my own health. It won’t do anyone any good if I lose it now. Thank you to Roseann for coming by and helping me process all of this. I am back on track.