My counts are SLOWLY coming up. I went from a white count of 0.2 to 0.4 today. But the awesome news is that my fevers are going away (knocking really hard on wood). My nausea has also gotten better. With these two things, my infectious disease doctor feels that we may finally be making some real progress with the liver infection. Unfortunately I’m now having some stomach issues and I’m hoping this doesn’t turn into the same infection that I had with my last round of chemo. But the doc says this is the time that those things come up so it’s not out of the question. Besides running to the bathroom on a continual basis, it’s obviously making it very hard to keep my weight up. I’ve been really upset about not being able to put the weight back on and the doctor told me he felt I would be able to do it in between the end of this treatment and the start of the next one. He said I should be happy I haven’t lost any more weight.

Yesterday I had a platelet transfusion which went really well – I had no reaction at all (no horrible chills or fever, for example). I was so proud of how I did and then I found out that the transfusion actually dropped my count from 5,000 to 4,000. This happened a few times the first time around too. We will try again today and I am praying for a big boost this time. When you’re platelets are below 10,000, you are at very high risk of bleeding from something as simple as flossing your teeth. It’s just not a good place to be.

I’ve been really struggling the last few days, as I mentioned yesterday, with the mental part of things. Aside from being sick of this freezing hospital and really missing the kids, I think I’m feeling really lonely deep down. This experience is very isolating. As Chip so wisely commented on my post from yesterday, this is a journey and in the beginning there is excitement, the middle lags and as you get towards the end, the excitement builds again because you can see that light at the end of the tunnel. I think that the hard part about this “middle” for me is that I know my friends are busy getting their kids ready to start school and enjoying the last days of summer and I am in here alone, wishing I could be out buying Kieran shoes or taking Ty out to lunch before school starts.

I am very grateful for my friends and family that have come to visit, particularly my dad who visits every other day. I didn’t realize how much I needed this kind of support until recently. On the days I feel down, a visit from someone always makes me feel better – phone calls are great too. I think that I am someone who has always considered myself very independent and I’m finding now that I actually want someone to lean on from time to time and I think that’s okay. Perhaps that is one of the positive lessons from this experience.

I hope that this post doesn’t have a negative tone. I’m venting some of the challenges I’m dealing with now but I know deep down that I will get through this with my chin up. It most certainly is a journey that I believe will lead to better things for my life. I guess right now I’m sort of feeling like the kid in the back seat of this trip crying, “are we there yet? are we there yet?” I’ve always rushed ahead with things in my life and this time I have to sit back and just let things happen on their own timeline.