Day 80
I’m blogging early today because I need to vent some fears and build my emotional strength back up. I met with the team of infectious disease doctors and they continue to be baffled as to why my liver infection and fevers are taking so long to go away. It has been 6 weeks and there have been small improvements but nothing like what they would expect. They would expect that it would gone by now. It has cleared in some areas like my lung and spleen but the spots on my liver persist, though smaller. The decision that has to be made is whether to go forward with my next chemo or wait even longer for this infection to clear. Everyone seems in agreement that we can’t wait any longer to start chemo. So, now the issue becomes, what happens to my infection once we start this and kill my immune system off again? I could see clearly in the doctors’ faces today that they are worried about that too. They are worried that it will get worse again. They are worried about high fevers. When they are worried, how am I supposed to feel? I feel like I’m about to put my life completely at risk in just a few short hours. I’m petrified of what will happen. I want to be strong but I’ve had an infection that the doctors’ can’t get rid of for almost 2 months. Yet, I am putting my faith in them that this is the right thing to do.
It’s funny, I promised myself a long time ago that I would not ask “why me?” because my life has been blessed in so many wonderful ways already. I just wish I could be ordinary right now. I wish I didn’t have to be the 1 strange case in 10 years. I just read an article about why it seems that we go through periods in our life when everything comes crashing down at once, and the answer was that it’s the universe’s way of telling us to rest, really, deeply rest. I believe that. I believe things happen to refocus in the right direction. I believe this experience will change my life in ultimately positive ways. I just wish the process of getting there wasn’t so fever-filled and scary.
Hi Jess,
I am sorry that you are feeling so worried. If you feel like having any deep energy work or healing on a spiritual level, I would really recommend contacting Liz Draman at 443-904-5300. She is highly gifted and very comforting and would probably come to you in the hospital. Her rates might seem high (since she does not take insurance), but honestly, it is so worth it! You are worth this investment. I have used her for my own healing and Tony, Maya, and Brooke have as well. She helps to put a bigger perspective on illness and also at the same time help to shed some light on why a certain illness may be in your life. I call her everytime one of us is sick to hear an alternative perspective from the strictly medical perspective.
I hope this helps. I will send you positive energy.
With love,
Gina
Jess -
Sent an e-mail to your h2x address.
I know you must be feeling awfully scared and alone right now and just wanted you to know we are all thinking of you and pulling for you to get through this with flying colors.
Chip
Hi Jess,
So sorry to hear this worrisome news. Have they given you any info on support groups at the hospital for other patients with same diagnosis? They usually have them, and it would probably be good to get connected with others. I’m sure there are some others who have dealt with infections, and they might have some uplifting thoughts to help you deal with this.
Sending some positive thoughts your way, try to get some rest.
Hi Jess- I can totally understand your fears, have faith that your doctors are comitted to your case and healing you. May their worrisome thoughts direct their focus to the right path for your treatment. Saying a prayer for you tonight.
This can be a scary journey when things are going well. One can only guess how you must feel. Just know that many people who have never met you are praying for you tonight, and also praying for wisdom and guidance on your medical team.
sending you prayers and hoping that you hear the news you have been waiting for. you amaze me daily with your strength. i know that everything will fall into place and you will be back home healthy with your boys in no time.
Day 80, and we are all keeping you in our prayers. You have been so open, and so strong all this time…You’re right. You will always look at life differently. The good thing is that you are willing to do so! Your attitude continues to make me grateful to weed the garden and empty the trash. Love you! Aunt Martha
Hey Jess–
I’ll be home tomorrow and can’t wait to see you. I’m sorry we’ve been away so long–it feels like forever since I’ve seen or talked to you. I’ll be sending you all sorts of positive thoughts, hpefullly, stronger than your infections and capable of wiping them out in one fell swoop!