Day 31, a little late
I had my bone marrow biopsy yesterday and it ended up being a long, exhausting day as usual. I started running a fever when we left the hospital and Brian was convinced it was from lack of food, so we went for sushi following by smoothies. The doctors were adamant about me putting aside all of my literature on the importance of eating cancer-fighting foods and just simply eating as much as I can and consuming as many calories as I can in a day to put back on all this weight that I’ve lost. I know everyone would love this problem, but let me tell you that it’s not easy to stuff yourself when you’re running fevers. They tell me that the fevers may last a couple of weeks and I just have to try to work through them.
I’m definitely struggling with a lot of this. As the doctor said, I have to remember that they just pumped tons of poison through my body to kill off my entire immune system – it’s going to take a little while for me to feel good again. I guess I’m just having a hard time with the fact that I want to eat and exercise and do the things I need/want to do but this underlying infection is keeping me on the down low. At this point, I think this is as much a mental challenge as a physical one. I’ve started doing meditation to try to help with that. I think that what it comes down to is that I have to face the fact that my body just fought off cancer and I’m not the same person I was a month ago. I’m confident that I will eventually get my strength and some normalcy back, but right now I have to recover. The nurse said to me, “you know you may never be 100% again, you might be more like 90-95%.” That was really hard to digest. When I’ve been looking at people like Lance Armstrong as a role model, it’s hard to accept that I won’t eventually be able to do the things I used to do. I know it’s going to be a long time, but I would like to believe I’ll get there.
I’m hoping the fevers stay down today (last night I had a spike again). I’m going to try to relax, focus on what I’ve overcome, focus on trying to eat and enjoying this beautiful weather. I just saw two people running through my neighborhood and I’m so jealous! Maybe I’ll give it another try in a bit.
Hi Jess -
To hell with that nurse. You will achieve the goals YOU set and that YOU commit to. What if Cal Sr. had told Cal Jr. that he should set a goal of playing 90-95% of his games?
Chip
You will get back to 100%, girl. Just remember you don’t have to do it all in one day.
Says the woman who cleaned house and went back to work as soon as she was home from deliverying both girls.
Jealous of people running? Dude I look at those people and think I am so glad thats not me!! Haha! Heather is right you will be 100% and sooner than almost anyone else would be. You have a spirit of determination that is so rare and strong.
Jess–you will get to 100% if you set that intention. You may not be the same person as before AND that is not a negative. You have learned and grown so much in the past several months——I am guessing that you are stronger mentally than you have ever been.
Give yourself time. I know that is really hard (I am not too practiced at that either!). I have a new motto that helps me when my mind go nuts and starts creating “worse case scenarios for the future”. When I am feeling that way, I ask myself, “Am I OK right now—right this very minute?” I continue to ask myself this until I start feeling more relaxed. It keeps me in the moment instead of “freaking” about something in the future.
You will be remembering this time in 5 years and reflecting on the strength and determination you had. AND, make sure to watch the Tour de France everyday—-It starts tomorrow and runs for 3 weeks—Lance is in it this year and you can see a “live” example of hope, strength, and lots of patience!!
Dear Supergirl,
I am a former patient of Roseann, my favorite nurse, and probably of the same doctors you are dealing with these days. I too fought AML leukemia and your writings hit pretty close to home.
I decided to write today to tell you that I have been cancer free for more than 2 years and not only do I feel 100% but, in many respects, I am/feel better than I used too.
I read your blog every day. You inspired me to reflect on this journey. Don’t hesitate to email me at michaeldahan@sprtzone.com if you want to compare notes…
Michael
You’ll get there. Try to be patient and get through each day as it comes.
Love yourself exactly as you are and where you are today!!! You’ll get there and beyond…
Kia
One day at a time Supergirl!
You can do this – don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t or you won’t be 100%. You WILL BE BETTER than 100% when you are done with this fight!
Hang in there!
We all love you and we’re all rooting for you!
Jess-
Hey- You don’t know me, I am Gigi’s old friend from High school. I just wanted to say that I have been following your blog, I am amazed at not only your power but at the strength of the community around you. My thoughts are with you and your family- I am humbled that you let the us in on this process. I honestly believe that the strength of connection is what makes the world go on…. thank you for adding to the strength.