Things have been quiet this week with no trips to the hospital and no blizzards keeping the kids home from school. Today is the first day I have been able to a have a full “me-day” and get back on track with organization, work and some relaxation. This past weekend was great. I got to catch up with a few friends near and far for a belated birthday celebration at Boordy. It was a lot of fun … and I let the real hair out of the occasion. For the most part, I’m hoping to be finished with the wigs. They are becoming a little bit of a pain and I feel like I’m hiding underneath them. Although I am not at all thrilled with the length or look of my hair right now, it is nice to just be me. In time it will come in and I will get more comfortable with it.

I have been a bit stressed lately though. The past few days I have had low-grade fevers (99-99.9) and I think it triggered a complete meltdown/panic attack. I assume my body is just fighting something, but as a friend pointed out, after the fevers from the summer, it is almost like PTSD. There is nothing else wrong that I am aware of. This is also coming off of a week where I tried to detox on sugar, go vegetarian, give up coffee, potty train my 2-year old and increase my exercise level (and overdose on dark chocolate to try to keep things in balance!). I suppose anyone would have a few headaches and fevers after that. I realize it was a little too much to take on at one time.

During my hospital visit last time I overhead a young man tell his nurse that his leukemia may have returned. He is 3 cycles ahead of me on the trial and I think he is younger than me. That was devastating to hear and I have had that on my mind ever since. I know that every patient in remission goes through this – I just didn’t realize how hard it would really be. I’ve been talking to friends, therapists and other types of healers and I think that all agree it is important to acknowledge our fears and self-doubts and by doing so we take away their power. So here it is …

• I am afraid the cancer will come back.
• I am afraid that I won’t stay strong enough.
• I am afraid that stress will negatively affect my health.
• I am afraid that I may not make the right decisions regarding diet, exercise or general wellness to keep this from every coming back.
• I’m afraid I may not get to see my kids grow up.

There, I said it. Brian did an excellent job of helping me work through these fears last night, acknowledging that they are okay to have but that I can’t make them more powerful than they are. I can’t put the kind of pressure on myself to eat the perfect diet or exercise all the right ways if it is only stressing me out more in the end. There has to be balance. And the truth be told, as much as believe that diet and exercise play a role in health and wellness, I believe that love, friendship and our overall happiness play a far stronger role. That is what I need to focus on and the other things will fall in place.

As I mentioned, 2011 is my year of fearless living (ha, ha, I’m doing great so far!), but February is my month to focus on love and friendship. I’m doing my own Happiness Project, based on the book, and January was all about organization. I believe I had some successes in January and I hope to carry those through to February.

In honor of my February project, I wanted to share this poem that my friend Kelli shared with me, about the importance of loving ourselves:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,

talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.

It is not just in some of us.  It’s in everyone.

And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give

other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson A Return to Love

One more thing before I go, as I mentioned I’m playing around with my diet right now. I’m doing a lot of research on what’s good and what’s bad for cancer. There is a lot of evidence pointing to a vegetarian/vegan diet as a way to keep the body free from cancer cells – it limits their ability to grow. A British study I came across yesterday mentions specifically, a 45% lower rate of leukemia among vegetarians that those who eat a regular diet. I’m not going to put the kind of pressure on myself to conform to one thing one way or the other but I would love to hear from any of you that have recommended readings or thoughts about this. I’m trying to make a well-educated decision about what would be best for my body and overall health.