Thank you all for the birthday wishes, surprises and phone calls. It was a fun day and got to talk to and see a few people that were big surprises to me, which was great. I got a surprise balloon delivery from a great friend in the morning, lunch with another great gal in the afternoon and then a few surprises from my kids in the evening. I also got to catch up with some long-time friends by phone, which is always wonderful.

The day started off a little sketchy. I had noticed a small rash on the side of my face and neck the night before so I woke up expecting to spend the day at the hospital. But after speaking with the doctor, he felt he was fine to wait and see me until Wednesday. There are a million reasons why I could have this rash: a food allergy (which I have yet to figure out), GVHD (graft versus host disease), a reaction to a skin care product (again, which I can’t figure out), or my favorite, acne. Initially, I was almost excited to see the rash because they had told me that having a little bit of GVHD is actually a good thing – it’s a sign that the transplant is working. However, then I realized that when my counts dropped last week they were checking me for shingles which is something that can come up in post-transplant patients. I described the rash and sent pictures to Melly (the doc) who quickly pointed out the reasons that it probably wasn’t shingles and that one of the side-effects of my immune suppressant is acne. Sadly, we were all very excited that I might have acne and not shingles! So happy 36th birthday to me – I now might have adolescent acne again. Do I feel 14 again? In a way yes, my life sometimes feels like a dramatic mess, but acne is no longer the thing ruining my life! Guess I have matured in 20 years.

I ran 2 miles on the treadmill yesterday and then did 30 minutes of Dance Revolution with Kieran. I was fine after the run, but the dancing proved the real work out. One day I’ll figure out how to post the pictures that the Kinect captures. It’s hilarious, but the most fun workout you could ask for.

I’m feeling okay overall. Definitely not 100%, more like 60-70%. The thing I am finding most difficult now is that I want to go outside so badly and at least go for a walk. I may be begging and pleading with the doctor tomorrow to let me do that. I’m also going to try driving today. I think that will offer me a sense of freedom as well. I don’t need to get out of the car, but just being able to go somewhere besides my house and the hospital would be great. I may just drive around the neighborhood and listen to the radio cranked up!

Tomorrow is a big day. I’ll find out what is happening with my counts and if all is well they will pull my line out. They will also run the blood test to determine what percentage of donor cells I have. We’re getting there, slowly but surely.

My bloodwork on Saturday morning was basically the same as Wednesday. Platelets were up slightly (40-43, which doesn’t really mean anything) and red counts were still low, but the same as Wednesday. My white count had dropped from 3.1 to 2.1, which was not comforting in the least. However, after having my meltdown in the car on the way home and going to every bad place imaginable in my head, Brian did offer a realistic perspective on the whole situation. We discussed the fact that this is all part of the process and none of the doctors or nurses are freaking out, so that’s a decent sign. Also, realistically, I just went through chemo so it’s not likely I would have any active cancer right now. Additionally, my old cells are dying off and my new ones should be taking over. And, of course, there is the fact that the doctor believes the counts dropped because of the medication. My always reassuring doctor friend Melly, confirmed that the medication they reduced takes almost 3 days to start to diminish in your system. The bottom line is that it could take at least a week to see any sort of change from the dose reduction. So I am not freaking out. Physically I feel okay, just low on energy because of the anemia. I am fighting some sinus issues and eager for my counts to come back up so that can go away. I also know that they tested me for all kinds of viruses and I didn’t have anything. The big picture is that my bone marrow is making a lot of adjustments right now and this is all part of the process. There will be ups and downs, but if the transplant took, things will improve over time and I must stay focused on the end result.

Today is actually the one-month anniversary of the transplant. Tomorrow I turn 36. Never, in a million years, would I have imagined this is what would be happening to my life at 36. But we take what we get and we make the best of it. I’m home with my family and I must keep faith that this will work. On Wednesday, I believe, they will draw blood to do the first test to see how many donor cells are there. I think that I will have the results of that at the end of the month. They are also planning to pull out my central line which would be great.

I’m keeping myself busy with little projects. On Friday I worked on a photo book commemorating 2011. It ended up being 30 pages of photos that highlighted all of our vacations and everyday adventures. I do one every year, but thanks to Shutterfly, they keep getting bigger and more complicated. Shutterfly now lets you custom design the entire book, which for a designer is a dream and a nightmare. What I planned to do in an hour took me over 6 hours to do! But I’m really happy with how it turned out. I think it’s also a great way to show that amidst the chemo and all of the ups and downs with my health, we triumphed as a family in doing as much as we could and enjoying the day to day. Years from now, I hope the kids won’t really remember the hospital stays and the days I didn’t feel good. With a book like this, it will help them remember all of the other great things we did – and it’s a good reminder for Brian and me as well.

Before I go, I wanted to share part of a piece written by my friend Gina. She is writing a parenting series that relates parenting to the seasons. I’ve told her how much I relate my experience right now to the seasons – I see this period in my life as my “winter,” my time to hibernate and rest. I look to the spring as my time of rebirth, regrowth and renewal. Her most recent piece was titled, “Nature’s Knowing: Patience and the Unknown.” This is an excerpt from it that offered great comfort to me and an important reminder that I must relax, have patience and have faith that my spring will come.

Patience is a gift of the winter. As much as we want to make spring come sooner (especially by the end of March!), spring comes in its own time. I might not know what kinds of afterschool activities (or how many) to offer my daughters. However, if I have patience and if I “try out” different combinations, I will eventually find what works for my children and our family. The perfect mix might not come the first time. It might take many variations. It might come with lots of effort on my part and it might come after a quick comment from my daughter. The important part is trusting that it will come. Trust the process. Know that with patience, commitment, and strength the answers will come. Spring always follows winter. There is no other way.

As I “try out the different combinations,” go through the ups and downs, my doctors and I will eventually find what works, but I have to “trust that it will come.”

One more quick thing I want to mention before I go. Chronicle Books just released this cookbook by an 11-year old named Jack Witherspoon. As the description states, Jack “was going through incredibly tough times battling leukemia for the second time and he sought solace in the Food Network and decided his dream was to become a chef.” He wrote this cookbook, Twist It Up, for kids and now cooks all over the place, raising money for cancer research.

The nurses used to joke with me in the hospital about how there would be 3 or 4 rooms with the Food Network on at night and wondered what is was that appealed to us so much about it. For me, perhaps, it was my natural love of cooking and my desire to get home and make all of these meals to heal my body. But I laughed and smiled when I saw that an 11-year old boy was doing the same thing! I plan on getting the cookbook for Ty because he, too, now has a love of Food Network, especially Cupcake Wars. Though Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives is a close second for him. Although he hasn’t ventured too far into cooking, he now wants to write a cookbook after hearing about this kid. We’ll put it on his to-do list. Anyways, if you’re looking for a cookbook for your kids, what a great one this would be to start with.

So today was a bit of a let-down. My platelets dropped down to 40,000! I was a little stunned, but three doctors and a nurse reassured me that this is not unusual to see at this phase in the transplant process. They said that it could be from one of the immune suppressants that I am on and they reduced my dose on that to every other day. They also tested me for a ton of viruses, which could drop the platelet count as well. My white count went from 5 something to 3.1, but all of the differentials (the different parts of your white blood cells) were fine. There were no signs of abnormal cells and my neutrophil count is normal. I know that this is all par for the course and I will have these ups and downs. I was just so disappointed because I went in there really hoping to see my platelets get to 100,000 and I wasn’t expecting the drop at all. I will go back Saturday morning for another check. Fingers- and toes-crossed that they come back up!!!

I’m so eager to get that first test done that will show the percentage of donor cells. It is just so hard to wait to know what is happening inside my marrow and, unfortunately, this is a process that takes months. But a few months of struggling through this will be well worth it to cure me for good. I just have to keep focusing on the end goal and not let the little bumps turn into mountains of anxiety.

Other than that, I’m okay. So long as my platelets do come up, they will take the line out of my shoulder next week, which will be a huge relief. There is nothing like being bald and having tubes hanging out of you to make you feel like some alien being. I can deal with the baldness – in fact I care far less about it this time than I did last time – but the tubes are no fun.

My 36th birthday is Monday. This will be the third birthday I am celebrating while dealing with all of this; the second one I will be celebrating bald. The only thing I want is for all of this to go in a positive direction. No matter how positive I am, I can’t help but feel that the last two years of my life have been pretty brutal. I’m asking the universe for a break now. I’ve learned lots of lessons, I’ve come to peace with many things, I have grown as a person and I promise to make great things come of this experience. So Dear Universe, loads and loads of healthy blood cells on Saturday morning would be an awesome b-day gift! Thanks, Supergirl

I just wanted to say a belated Happy New Year to everyone! I ended up having a really nice New Years at home with great friends. It was a last-minute plan and I’m grateful it worked out since I assumed I would be doing nothing at all that night. All of us were more than ready to say goodbye to 2011 and move on to a more healthful, happy, less stressful, less dramatic 2012. Although there are prophecies that the world might end this year, I’m confident I can get through whatever mass chaos could occur so long as I have kicked cancer to the curb. Bring it on.

My blood counts have continued to do well. I had them checked on Saturday morning and my white count had worked it’s way back up to 5.1 (normal) and platelets were at 90,000. The next few weeks are pivotal for me because  in the last 2 years my platelets have never climbed over the 110,000 range. I am very curious to see if they will do that now. The issue with my bone marrow and the reason for my diagnosis of AML (acute myeloid leukemia) is that my bone marrow wasn’t producing enough cells. This is what the myeloid indicates. Healthy marrow would have platelet levels in the 150,000 – 400,000 range. Nothing would make me happier than seeing my platelet count be normal for the first time since 2009! It would be a very good sign.

I have surprised myself by running 2 miles twice now on the treadmill and feeling really good both during and afterwards. My cardiovascular fitness hasn’t diminished to the degree that I was expecting. I’ve had some weight loss which I think is mostly muscle and I am very eager to get the line out of my shoulder so that I can get back to that part of my fitness routine.

Mentally, I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am fighting some fears. I am quick to brush them aside, but the length of time I have to wait to find out if this worked is really several months. I’m fine when I’m keeping busy during the day but I find my mind a wandering mess at night and am having a lot of trouble sleeping. It is good and bad when you believe so strongly in the power of the mind to heal the body. On the one hand, you feel empowered; on the other you can find yourself feeling like you aren’t being positive enough and therefore hurting yourself somehow. I know that I am staying as strong as I can and that I need to let science, biology, medicine, do their things. But there are moments when the positive attitude you have can come crumbling down. For example, yesterday Kieran, my youngest, was sitting next to me having a snack and he looked over and said “Mommy, I really missed you.” And I asked if he meant while I was at the hospital. He said yes and then asked why I had to the go to hospital. I explained it again and then he said, “please don’t go to the hospital anymore.” The only thing I could say was that “I hope I never have to.” As a parent, we all want nothing more than to reassure our children that they will always be safe and protected from the things that they fear. In my case, I can’t offer a guarantee right now. It is what makes me fight as hard as I have to, but it is also what allows worry to creep in.

With that in mind, I’ve been working very hard on mediation and guided visualizations. I’ve been trying to settle my fears and focus on what I want for my life. When I run on the treadmill and envision crossing the finish lines, I run faster. When I feel tired but envision watching my children graduate from college, I do more. One of the visions I’m working on is the idea of turning this blog into a book and with so much free time now, I think I’m going to begin writing it. The vision goes on to include an interview with Oprah because, hey, why not go big?!?! When I’ve contemplated this idea before, I’ve asked about who would be interested in reading another cancer story? Perhaps someone going through the same thing I did, yes, but last night in my sleepless stupor I came up with my answer. I want to write this book so that no matter what happens to me, I want my children to know what I fought through and I want to teach them to find the strength within themselves to always fight for what matters. I want them to find the sense of inner peace that I am beginning to uncover while they are young, not when they are struggling with jobs they don’t like or have passed over opportunities to explore the world. They won’t read this book until they are older, but I want it to be there for them along with my collection of cards, books, supergirl memorabilia and all of the other incredibly special items that I have collected from my friends and family on this journey. These things show how important love is.

This would be a great place to do a list of my new year’s resolutions but I’m keeping a few of them private. Here are a few that I’ll share:

1. CURE. CURE. CURE. Be cancer free for good!!!

2. Run in 3 races this year including IronGirl and Half Full.

3. Work on my book.

4. Be creative outside of my job; i.e. paint a picture for fun.

There are other resolutions that seem to carry over from year to year, or at this point from decade to decade! Such as, stress-less, laugh more. We should all do that.

One last thing before I go, I must thank Kim from the Ulman Fund for delivering me an incredible gift today. The UF gave me a certificate for a personal chef for the next few weeks. She will work with me to come up with menus that work for me and my family and come in and prepare everything. Meal planning/preparation has been one of the hardest things for me because I can’t go to the grocery store. As you might have deduced by now, I also am fairly picky about the quality of the food I am eating. I am so excited to see what this chef whips up for us and so, so grateful for such a thoughtful gift from an organization that means the world to me.